Things I saw in the last 10 minutes

1.) remote control helicopter
2.) 4 tables full of perfume for sale
3.) at least 10 people walking with NYC marathon medals on their chests
4.) a falfael guy selling to taxi drivers with his 5.99 special JUST for them
5.) 3 people exchanging email addresses by writing on a bible all of them are holding
6.) blue and yellow empire state building
7.) sprinting to the 2 / 3 train (me in the mirror)

NOW.

"Throughout the day you may feel a bit restless and unsettled without really knowing why. Stresses in your life might be churning up repressed resentments from the past that you need to release. It might be good for you to try to discern exactly what these stresses are reminding you of. If you're unable to do this, however, you'll probably still reap the benefits of the release. Stay zen, and just let it happen."

I realize this is just a computer talking to me. Sending me my horoscope every day. But. There are so many days whe its so damn accurate I feel like telling the world to sign up for Astrocenter.com. I believe in these horoscopes--maybe its because they ask you your birth time so I know they are meshing my crabby Cancer with my ascending Virgo personality. Most days I wish I was more Cancer than Virgo. Perhaps that is what it feels like when you are nearing 35, catapulting into your ascending sign.

Today I leave for a big trip. BIG. I am going to Italy with the man I have been dating. The man who seems quite wonderful. Sweet. Kind. Funny. And is making my life so enjoyable. And I sit here with much stress and angst. I have been thinking a lot about my story and how I want to change it. How I want to think about having another man in my life that is someone I can really love and enjoy. How do I consider that my past, that love story that failed, may not have been a love story at all? Sure, it ended in marriage, but was that real love? Did we know each other? Did we really care and respect each other they way that one would hope when you walk down the aisle? NO. We didn't. We were kids. I am not sure that I can describe what we had a real love. The kind of feeling that seems to just build and build over time. And for some reason this makes me very confused. Angry. It makes me think about why I made the moves I did in the past and how I can stop thinking about them and start thinking about NOW.

So this week is going to be an adventure of NOW. Have can I enjoy RIGHT NOW and stop over thinking NOW. And stop comparing NOW to THEN. THEN needs to finally close out and be done with.

A few weeks ago--perhaps about 6 I had one of the worst crying episodes of my life. It was a bad day. Filled with losing a BIG deal at work and just spiraling out of control over what the hell I am doing with my life. Weeks leading up to this event were filled with sleepless nights waking up to blurt out on paper finally all of the things about my marriage that happened--that really happened--and letting them be out there and in the "past."

And then I woke up the next day and everything changed. I took a leap of faith and started dating this new man. I was invited to speak at a conference in India. A new friend turned up. And life shifted in a way that I have been waiting for. Seven years I have been waiting for a shift like this. NOW is not a bad place to be.

Day 94: SERIOUSLY?

I am constantly amazed by the things people spend their time doing.....like all of the energy that goes into things that are negative that could instead be put in a positive place. One example is this insane woman in LA who posed as a 16 yr old male, wooed a neighborhood teenager (female) with love letters through myspace and then......broke it off with her??? And then the teenager hung herself? She was charged today in Federal court.

This just makes me think about how we make life so damn complicated and difficult. I was out last night with a man who:

1.) got married at 18. had 2 kids. divorced his wife and left his ultra-religious upbringing.
2.) moved to NYC. got a job in computer science. went to NYU to get his undergrad.
3.) is getting married to his "friend" who he loves but doesn't want to marry but is going to marry her because she needs a green card. Found out about this topic when he said after several beers and looking at his blackberry, "my lawyer just emailed me my pre-nup"
4.) he then had a girl meet up with us and said to me "oh you are going to get to me blah blah blah" and I said oh is this the girl you are marrying? No!! And don't tell her anything about that she has no idea about her.

Because yeah, its going to be REALLLLLY easy to keep that a secret from future dates right? Sure. Nope. Not a problem at all.

What the fuck?

I meet these people and say to myself--wow. I think my life is tough? Right. Not.

Meanwhile. Mr. Cherry who I met when I first moved here and who I was trying to be friends with until the last time I went out with him and a group he freaked out when a man gave me his card. LITERALLY leaped across the bar and said "why are you doing giving her your card???"

He also totally pissed me off because I started telling him a story earlier in the night and then someone came over and stood by us and I said "I will tell you later" to which he responded "NO. You should tell all of us." and I said "No." And he then STARTED TELLING THE STORY that I had already relayed....

So end game here is this guy is a jackass who has no respect for women. I have been blowing him off big time as he has been sending me txt messages, calling leaving VMs etc for the past 4 week. PAST FOUR WEEKS and will not stop. Best thing? This is what he sends:

"HELLO??????"

or

"You mad at me?"

Enchanting right? I realized this evening that maybe this is a time to just say to someone:

You are an ass.

I never do this because it seems like I am just wasting energy being negative. How do you say to someone you are a jerk? Like really a jerk? Especially after you have already said that? to their face the evening that it happened and it seems like they didn't get it live so why would they get it say in the form of an email or txt message?

The final fabulous thing about Mr Cherry? He is in NYC from Mon-Thursday. So. I hear from him about 11pm on Monday or Tuesday night and then for a few days and then nothing. Because that makes a girl feel good right? Being sent a txt message right around the time you want to go to bed?

In brighter news or maybe freaky news...the sun is out in NYC. And so are the runners. And why why why does everyone here wear short nylon shorts to run in? I seriously do not WANT to be seeing that. Did you ever notice the people you want to see in outfits that are questionable....never wear them?

Day 88: So This is Why I am Here

I had this strange revelation this evening while on my yoga mat: I came here to heal myself.

This sounds strange right? Who comes to NYC to find their center? To get grounded? To find themselves? This city is a place where you can easily get lost. Fall into ruin. Climb high and fall very hard. Stay out till all hours of the night drinking and dancing until you fall over.

But something about this shift in locations. Something about this city. Something about everything I have experienced since I have arrived has lead me to this thought.

I suppose the details around it will continue to unfold around me as I am awakened to this possibility. But there are so many positives I have already felt and seen that I do believe something has shifted inside my soul over the past 88 days.

I find myself walking down the street with my dog and people looking at me--and instead of caring so much I think yep. This is who I am and I am so damn happy about it.

I see myself on the other side of the table during a date thinking wow--I really will be ok if I never find someone. And that is possible. I may never find someone close to what I am looking for and thats finally ok with me. Am I happy about this idea--this potential? No. But I find myself stretching to fill my own shoes and seeing how happy my life can be if I just try to let go and see what shows up. Finding pleasure in the immediate and stopping the whirlwind of my analytic mind. Offerings seem to abound and I am learning not to over think and instead jump in with these new shoes.

I hear myself telling funny stories. And I realize I am having fun. A lot of fun. In a new way--fun that doesn't have to lead to anything important. Fun with people I may never see again but enjoy learning about new wines with over an evening. Nothing needs to be permanent. Its strange but true.

I find myself at meetings for my industry and realizing wow--these people remember me from last time. Its starting to feel like home here. People are reaching out. Inviting me to lunch to talk about the field and how I should play it.

I see myself finally having a boss. A real BOSS who tells me NO. Who listens and who teaches me new things every single day. A boss who respects me and only wants me to succeed.

And I have this lovely yoga mat. That has guided me through so many years of pain and agony to this new place where it is used so frequently I will need a new one soon. I have a studio. They have Ashtanga 4 times a day. Real teachers that are compassionate and caring. The students are serious but nice. Real. Everything about that studio is real.

These are the good things. And I see more coming my way every day as I open my heart and soul to this new place. As I slowly step out of my shell to see what people have to offer. Its like the sun that has slowly started its assent closer and closer to the side of the building across the street. And this morning it finally popped and landed right inside my bedroom for a full showing of beautiful light.

Day 26: "I want to get married"

It was time. Time to finally meet up with the race car driver in NYC. He has been a source of strength to me over the last few months. Amazingly has turned out to be the one person in my life that actually seems to understand what I was facing down in DC as a singleton and what I could gain should I choose to make the leap to NYC. He became a sounding board. One who said to me "you will love it here. your personality will fit in like you can not even imagine. you will thrive here. DC is a dead end for your career. you must come, you will not regret it."

And so I came. Hung out for 25 days and arranged a meeting with my ex boyfriend over dinner.

We went to Sapa in the West Village for some dinner.....

I am doing unusual things these days. While I was waiting I decided to order a lychee bellini because well, quite frankly I was just in the mood for a fruity drink....and it was wow. yum.

So he arrives, in typical race car driver fashion, full of serious looks and big smiles. Yes it is possible to have both of these things in one face. And this is one of the few people that I know personally that can pull it off. And so we sit. And we chat about life, being in NYC and where we are......and he announces with all the glee that someone like the race car driver can and says:

Brandi, I am ready to get married.

And then I laugh. And laugh. And LAUGH.

Whats so funny?

YOU--YOU-----want to get married???? What on earth for?

Well. I turned 40 and I decided..... (I am hearing drumroll are you?) that its time to "tee it up"

Oh how I love men. Time to tee it up? Tee it up? You have broken the hearts of how many women and today is the day that you let me know that you are "ready to get married?"

The race car driver was a particular lust of mine. He was quite literally just what the dr ordered at a time when I was in the daily dullllldrums of post divorce and maddening boredom. He was the first person I met that was actually FUN. He pushed me in ways I would not have imagined at the time I man could. Invited me into his world of aggressive behavior and challenges and I ate it up. Champagne poured, we raced cars on the weekends and soaked up the sun on the weekends.

And then he decided it was more important to pay bills instead of celebrating my birthday. And that was the first and the last straw. All in one moment I cut the cord. We went to dinner the next night and I told him---its over.

To which he responded with a power point like chart he created on a napkin. He said "this always happens to me. Women want more and I can't give it. My feelings for you are flat lining (he drew this on an x / y axis for me just in case I didn't follow along) and all the while, your feelings for me are growing (also illustrated on the napkin).

To which I responded---no. don't think you are hearing me exactly. I am saying that we should be done. It was great knowing you. I am sure we will still be friends, but its time for us to stop being together and move one.

And then he went back to the chart and re-explained what I wrote above.

And then I said my piece again.

And this went on for about 5 minutes and finally I said "this relationship is like a piece of lint on the quilt of my life"

And he said "lint?"

And so dinner with the piece of lint was interesting. I believe that he still cares about me but in a way that feels like a really strong friendship. And it feels good. Its strange to be at this point in my life, where I can look at people and realize with utmost clarity that I need them to be part of the picture but not in a romantic way. That I need people to love me as a friend, not a lover to make my life more complete.

Plus, who can turn down an after dinner drink in a beautiful loft in Union Square with some gelato to boot? Perhaps last night I learned that I need to be aware that people change, for the better. They grow up and get clarity on things.

Day 20: Sick in NYC? Call Dr House

And so I got sick. Are you at ALL surprised by this? I move two weeks early, start a new job, and completely change my life and I expect to be just FINE. Yeah no. No. No. No.

My dear friend from San Fran arrived last Friday with a small cold in her pocket. We had the most FAB weekend. Going all kinds of fun places like the Café Carlyle, which is truly a NYC legend hosting the likes of Bobby Short, and the home of Jackie O for many years as well as the Village Vanguard. The music was lush --- as was the vibe. How I love music life in this city. And the appreciation for it...the silence that happens as the lights go down and people are actually LISTENING.

So. My dear friend departed and left her small cold which quickly turned into a large cold complete with laryngitis and full on headaches and other pains for over a week. So it was time, time for me to GO GET A Z-pack. For those of you who are not friend to the Z-pack, I suggest you acquaint yourself with it the next time you have a sickness......it zaps out these horrible bugs in about 2 days.

But wait--thats right I have NO DR. Whoops......so I turn to goggling around and looking for "urgent care" This is of course after I call my health care insurance and they say "the nearest urgent care facility is in NJ" --- like 25 miles away. So I find this guy: Dr. Bolte

I know kind readers that you expect me to do my due diligence when I am going to do something random like this--me the expert googler who found the deed to the house my last boyfriend bought with his ex-wife before I even knew he was married....this was of course AFTER I found the picture featuring him in National Geographic speaking about his son. Oh yeah, thats right I do have children......And that is another story for another time.

In any event, I was sick. And I wanted the Z-pack. So I left my house and headed to see one Dr. Bolte on the East side. Called. Made an appointment at 11am DONE. Charge me 135.00 and I will love you forever just give me the damn z-pack. Perhaps this is my problem--I see drs as a means to an end. I truly do not see them as having "value" to tell me things I don't already know. Just give me the z-pack and I will be all good.

My first indication that things were a little "different" was the doorman. It appeared that I was actually in someone's apartment building. Hmmmm... But this HUGE doorman, probably the biggest one I have seen since I have been in NYC, said oh yeah, 8-H sure, go right up the Dr is in.

Hmmmmm.....

So I enter the apartment which to Dr. Bolte's credit is actually sort of set up like a Dr's office. And he was there with another patient in another room, but came out and greeted me and handed me one of those dr forms. Which I barely filled out bc I was like HEY--I am paying for this...you SO don't need my social security number. ANYWAY.

He calls me back into his office and starts talking. Asking me what my DEAL is.....aka why the hell don't you have a real dr if you have health insurance. BUT, really, he is actually a real dr who does not feel like dealing with the insurance companies and I get it. He then also tells me that BTW he is a medial detective and you know that show House? Well that is really based on his work.

AND once again, my lack of knowledge on pop culture which results in my failure to have any time to watch TV because really folks, I am OUT enjoying life, comes and hits me smack on the head. I have no clue what he is talking about.

Then he listens to my chest and says--wow. Doesn't sound good. And wow--looks like you could have Strep. Probably time for some antibiotic (fingers crossed on the other side of the table at this point "z-pack, z-pack, z-pack) and then he says -- I will write you a script for a Z-pack.

Thank YOU.

But then things get a little weird. Because he proceeds to tell me again about the "House" reference and then he says "well, I am going to be on America's Most Wanted next week." And I am being featured on the news tomorrow with my dog.

People, I know what America's Most Wanted is......quite frankly I spent way too much time while in Graduate school studying forensic science thinking about episodes of America's Most Wanted. So now I am thinking --- here is when I DIE. Here is the part when it all seemed FINE and then I got killed going to a random Urgent Care Dr.

So I ask....cause what the HELL else do you do in this situation????? Why will you be on America's Most Wanted?

And then he tells me: his ex-wife killed her new husband. Point blank with a new gun she bought and was learning how to shoot while he was off flying airplanes for SouthWest Air. Practiced. Asked the guy at the shooting range what bullets work best if you are going to kill someone, and he advised, "hollow" so that is what she ran down to KMart and purchased...and then used on the husband when he came home. And then? Yeah she took off in his BMW to the airport. Left the car there and took off to Brazil.

And so he is still holding the Z-pack prescription. And that is REALLY what I want and I was thinking wow--this is how people get into bad situations...they think well that prescription is very important so I MUST stay here and listen to this story so I can get that...never mind the DANGER.

And so I say --wow, really sorry to hear that. Really sorry. And then it starts....he tells me all about her horrible abusive background and how this was always a problem in their marriage and how well, he managed ok at first but it just couldn't work out. And that really, he thinks the thing that triggered the whole episode was the fact that the new husband locked the guns before he left thinking she might harm herself......

And then he says well, this is really one of my interests---back to the medical investigations---he says this is what Discover Magazine wrote about when they wrote an article on me.

Well “Thanks so Much” I said. “Thanks again for the script and I really have to go”. Although I am not sure why I am thanking…since I am paying…

"I just want to let you know, before you go, if you ever need help, please call me"......

"Ok. I will keep that in mind"

"Because I have saved three of my patients. Three of them! These women come here from places like Idaho and they have no idea what trouble they can get into, so they call me in the middle of the night from a bad neighborhood and have no idea what to do...they end up at some club and all of their friends leave...next thing you know they are in big trouble"

Well, Thanks. I don’t know that I will need a rescue service but thanks.

NYC. Never know what you will find. Or why. Or How.

Day 10: Snow and Smiles

Can't believe I have only been here for 10 days...but I think that means that this place fits. It seems so easy to be here. One of the most amazing surprises is that:

PEOPLE IN NYC ARE HAPPY

Very happy. And really when you think about it, why wouldn't they be? Seriously. This place has everything you could want and people to help you get it at every hour of the day. I am startled with how friendly people in my building are and about the fact that my dog has lipstick on his head from being kissed on the street today after getting pets from a stranger who said: "Elwood, you made my day"

Speaking of Elwood, he wonders why we didn't move here sooner? After a stroll in the park this morning he is quite convinced that we live in the best place on earth. And really who can blame him? No leash required in the early morning in Riverside Park means running with other dogs and jumping in the snow. I shared so many laughs this morning with other dog owners who like me were baffled at their dogs love to roll in the freezing cold snow.

Friday is coming to a close here and I await the arrive of my dear friend from San Fran for the weekend. A long weekend of girl time, libations, live music, and furniture arrangements. Hurray!

Day 2: NYC

Your Horoscope for FEBRUARY 14, 2008

Today, you may feel a little more vulnerable than usual. Perhaps you feel hemmed in by decisions you can't put off, or you're a little overworked and overwhelmed by all your numerous activities. The day ahead will help you make some decisive progress. And no backward glances allowed! Dwelling on the past will not help you at all...

And so I am here. NYC. Living on the Upper West Side. Full view of the Hudson outside my window and life is feeling good, busy, overwhelming, smushed, calm, disorganized. But.....I have cable so thats good news right?

I have never thought about space in the same way as I have in the past two days. I keep asking myself---do i really need this? I am enjoying my 700sq ft space in a way I never imagined I would.

So a change is underway. It was time to go and then be gone. It happened so quickly. My mover offered to move me three weeks earlier than planned and I said ok. Lets go. People on the other side don't even realize I have left....not yet anyway.

If someone said...

write a sentence about your life what would you write?

I am thinking about this a lot today as I sit here with a world of options in my palm. What would one say about my life so far? And really more importantly, what would I say? Would I say I have made good choices? Sure. Made Safe choices. Yes. Made choices that seemed like they would be the most FUN? Not so sure.

So. This is the question my mother poised to me this evening when I asked her about choosing between moving to San Fran or New York. (job interviews, possibilties will be broadcasted if they become real) Which one works? Which one is the best opportunity? Which one is......more fun?

One of the biggest struggles this year is facing my life in DC. And realizing it is not working. I am tired of being here. My new places is beautiful. I love the people that live in my building. BUT. I am tired of making friends that leave. Of feeling like everyone I meet is strange (men) or just plain boring (women and the men too. Ok. Maybe the women are also strange.). Point being when do you say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?

I have been approached by a company to work in NYC and have struggled with this idea for the past two weeks. Agonized over what this means for me from a detailed and high level perspective. And really thought about what I want which is to be surrounded by a community of people that are like me. Are those people in NY? I am not sure. And then I thought again about how I have always wanted to live in San Fran. Sometimes I think I bring decisions to my own door. Today during one of my interviews they let me know that a post in San Fran is also available. Would I rather have that job?

At the end of the day it doesn't matter if I get the job or not. Its all about choosing. Instead of going along with things. What is right for me RIGHT now? One of the biggest things I compalin about is being on the road all the time. NYC--no road. My backyard will be my patch. No need to travel to KY for the afternoon. Or Arkansas. And then I think about all of my dear friends in San Fran and the wonderful city and the weather and the bay. But I will travel. All the time. All over the West. Will that really solve my problem--which for those of you just getting up to speed is: I need to develop a world around me in my new home. Very hard to do when you are never home.

I am thinking and trying to find the answers. I want to be able to write my sentence and be happy about my answer.

A New Year of Cheer? Or is that just the wine...

Happy New Year---2008. What will it bring?

I have spent the weekend in a quiet place thinking hard about this and wondering what the answer will be. Vision. Goals. Objectives. Fun. Hmmmm..

To catch you up on things around here:

1.) Chicago boy is long gone. Was just not going to work out with his commitments in Chicago.
2.) Still searching for whats next on the job front
3.) Still adjusting to life in DC.

I think the question for 2008 is what fits? There are so many things right now that don't fit. It feels like an endless challenge to find the right path and to position myself correct to see it instead of taking the wrong fork in the road. Meanwhile things are happening all around me and I pause to consider if any of them will make me a little bit brighter. I wonder why I keep agreeing to see people that really don't make me feel happy, rather they suck my energy out until my limited supply is left.

So 2008 is going to be a well documented adventure. Writing more and speaking what is on my mind.

Back in Chicago...

Its funny how the world moves.....I checked into my hotel this afternoon in Chicago. Here on business for a few days...But what is this block--this place?

Its the place where my old boyfriend's father took me to lunch a lifetime ago. I walked out of my hotel and just stared. At the parking structure. And flashed back to that nervous day of eating sushi for the first time and having NO IDEA how to use chopsticks. And feeling totally inadequate and embarrassed and really got the whole feeling of "wow your son is way better than me"

And so 10 years past. I moved to DC and moved on. And then the Chicago boy and I crossed paths about 3 years ago. It was amazing to catch up with him this love of my life or so it seemed that way in the last year of my college days. So we talked. And we emailed. And he told me all about how his family had really loved me back then. And they still asked about me. And if he knew then what he knows now how he would have kept track of me...and trying to make it work. So my sorority sisters were right. He did really love me. Much more than I imagined.

And then we met. Live. In Vegas. Neutral location right? This was my first trip to Vegas (and unfortunately is not my last.) So much going on all around me I found it hard to avoid focusing directly on the person I was there with--intensely. Almost as an escape from the environment. And what did I see? And unsophisticated man. Someone who had become obsessed with money and liked to spend a lot of time trying to impress me with it. Which of course was funny---I living in the land of tech millionaires was so accustom to lavish things buying the things that he considered extravagant...was common place.

And so I went home. And was overwhelmed with how my early adult life had collided -- crashed and burned--with my 30 year old life. How things that seemed to significant at the time were not at all what they seemed. Instead they were the direct result of my low self confidence and a serious inability to see my value.

I ask myself have times changed? Am I still in that place? Or do I see my value clearly now. Do I consider that the person that likes me may not be who I need after all? or do I give out to many chances to impress me with your wit. Do I consider how dating someone that lives 600 miles away might be a difficult option? Is it the right option for me who wants to have someone to share my life with? Or have I accepted the fact that this person is going to be so incredibly difficult to find that this distance is irrelevant?

I am happy. This decade brings questions . I am questioning other people's value inside my life. And trying to determine where my precious time should be spent. And not worrying to much about their needs...focusing more intensely on mine.

I am off to meet with TC for dinner with these thoughts carefully tucked away in my confident mind.

TC Where are you?

"I think we have used up all of our travel karma" my text message reads.

TC spent 7 hours at the airport yesterday trying to get on earlier flights, running from terminal to terminal and then finally got on the 8:45 which sat on the runway for 45 minutes...I was looking at the flight status page on United and was horrified.

I have used up all of my travel God Karma. But thats ok. I will trade travel karma for TC.

So finally he arrives....and then proceeds to get in a cab that drops him off at the wrong location literally 3 blocks (separated by a park) away. Did I mention that he has a broken toe?

But at 1am in the morning all was well....it was sort of like spending time with someone I have known for 10 years. All of the emails exchanged over the past two weeks offered us a chance to dive deep and wide into our lives. So...two bottles of Zinfindel later and at 530am we ended the first date. Can't wait to see him again this evening...he is much more fantastic than I imagined.

Asile 6

And so I have been traveling. To all of the places you never wanted to go in the same week. Smushing NC into MO across one day and trying to remember what time zone I am in and what rental car is mine because I am confused after three days three cities. And all of this hazy thinking is the result of one brilliant afternoon on 9/11 last week. That was the day that I decided to go to the airport early....and ended up meeting a spectacular man seated next to me. Ok so He was no really supposed to be sitting in the middle seat but he did all the way to Chicago...

Laughter. Lots of laughter and tears from laughter. When is the last time I have laughed like this without fear or thinking about what to say next. Only savoring this moment that was so not supposed to happen for either of us. So not supposed to be on the 2:40pm to ORD. So supposed to be on a 4:20 and a 5 something. I noticed after a while that people around us were just looking over and smirking and just not sure what to make of the whole thing going down in aisle 6. And I remembered that my laugh is loud and joyful and felt all warm and happy inside.

And so we had a drink...before I departed to NC. (you might be asking yourself why did you fly to Chicago to then fly to NC and I would invite you to join us road warriors in our search for answers to these questions) When is the last time you found yourself wishing your layover was longer? Or wishing your flight was canceled?

I think the folks in NC truly believe that the smile on my face the next day was all about them....

3 days and counting and TC will be returning to DC for his bi-monthly visit. All of these emails and txt messages will have to be converted into live conversation and real laughter instead of smiles and goofy :---). How will that be? How do you convert bits to real life? How to you move from having open conversations over email to having to look the person in the eye and say what you want to say.

This is interesting and concerning and exciting all at the same time. When you think about how much communication is about verbal signs you wonder how verbal signs will change what you say...the guise of email is earth shattering to the dating scene and has flipped it on its head. I am a writer by nature. Words flow off my finger tips and I don't know if my brain is a quick in real life. All of these challenges will be faced down on Sunday afternoon. And on Monday and on Tuesday...until we are back to bits again.

Some interesting questions/observations about logan circle...

A few interesting observations about my new neighborhood:

1.) Cute guys around the circle are usually not my "type" or really should I say I am not their type.
2.) where do the dead birds come from? I have found 3 dead birds so far this summer and its a bit sketchy.
3.) there are a few republicans in my building who don't know a thing about sunscreen. tanned and tanned again like hides these people are.
4.) where do dead rats come from and then who picks them up?
5.) sometimes men in my neighborhood walk around only with a cowboy hat on and some very interesting shorts...and work boots...and I try not to think about what they are up to...
6.) Whole foods seems to be a grocery store disguised as a pick up joint
7.) Cat calls in the city are much more formal than in other places. Calls like "Hello Lady you are HOT" instead of just whistles and other noises.
8.) Who gives all the bums chicken wings at night? There are piles of chicken bones every morning out in logan circle. Not clear on where they come from....
9.) there are TWO count them TWO places that serve gluten free beer right near by....
10.) Why is it that every time I am heading to the airport, I end up in a cab with three other people because the driver keeps pulling over and screaming hey "where are you going"? An affirmative answer of airport results in a "jump in" response.

I don't want to jump in...unless this feels like something...

Should one date someone that wears boat shoes.....and of does not own a boat? Someone that is 37 and failed to have a relationship for the last 6 years? Someone who works to much? Someone that is so amazingly handsome but has no brains? Someone that heads out to church every Sunday? Choices...choices...choices.

A few lines from my favorite Cake song are useful when making these types of decisions

I don't want to think back to the one thing I wish I would have done....
People. Just do it. Just go where you want to go, do what you want to do, see who you want to see, let other people be uncomfortable if they need to be that way. Live the life that you imagine and throw caution to the wind....that is where it belongs. You never know until you ask, say how you feel, try something new, and live in the experiences you design.

I don't want to doubt you nor know everything about you....
Sometimes not knowing...like remember when you first started dating someone and they were all mysterious? might actually be more exciting then spending the first few weeks of your dating life drilling each other. Perhaps instead just snack on each other. Take a nibble here and there and have a good time.

I don't want to sit across the table from you wishing I could run...
This is a zinger for me...happens every single time before I end a relationship or fail to start one for that matter. When sitting with someone and you feel like wow---i need to run for it!!!! ABORT MISSION.

With all that said I am back in the game...slowly finding my way in and out of new lives of interesting people. Stay tuned.

Change Change Change......

Let me introduce you to my new attempt at life: city living. This process has been so unbelievable as well as good as well as bad as well as confusing. Getting used to:

1.) parking 4 blocks away
2.) taking my dog out for a walk instead of having a dog door
3.) sharing a building with neighbors who keep sending me nasty grams with stuff like "we understand you are taking deliveries through the lobby" "we understand you did not use the elevator pads"
4.) walking everywhere--which is good not bad
5.) having a yoga studio just a hop skip and a jump away
6.) running into about 10 men every afternoon at the dog park who seem to be the only do owners in my neighborhood
7.) figuring out that I have to go up on the roof to get my ac serviced...and that would require me to get a key to the back deck of a neighbor and his permission
8.) being away from my old support group
9.) trying to fit every possible thing you need to do when you move into a schedule that is packed with living, working, and job searching
10.) waking up every morning and hoping its just going to eventually work.....


The drama around closing has somewhat subsided. The leak has been repaired...but the huge hole in the ceiling needs to be patched. Eventually it will all work out. Breathing in and out.....

Off to study with Nancy this week...my yoga teacher from Maui. Very excited about getting out of my head and into a different groove that doesn't require stressing about license plates, leaks, cranky neighbors, or anything else on the list!

Closure--Literally

This last week has been the biggest nightmare of my life. To summarize:

1.) Buyers mortgage “suddenly” feel through.

2.) All real estate agents involved in the problem, that would be Andy Higgins and Mary something a rather were completely incompetent to resolve this problem. These idiots actually thought they were going to get Bank of America to provide a loan to my buyers after the lender did not return any calls for TWO DAYS.

3.) After Bank of America did respond to the buyers guess what-----these morons decided to cash out some of their 401K to cover the difference needed in the new loan(is anyone asking why did they need a new loan in the first place? Where is the accountability from the lender on the first mistake? Why isn’t someone standing on the desk of the mortgage guy?) and then decided to have this check sent in the US MAIL. I am shaking my head while I write this.

4.) The idiot agent duo didn’t even think WOW---these people used to have a mortgage approved by Chevy Chase Bank, maybe we should call them again. ITS FRIDAY PEOPLE. I screamed at my agent after finding out about the check and said by 11am they had to contact a new lender.

5.) Of course the idiot duo are telling me all about how Chevy Chase Bank is well known in the area-----I stamped this right out and said I am really tired of hearing who you know, how you are a BIG SHOT and just about everything else you are saying. In other words....please spare me. Its like I am being sold a car that is going to die 10 minutes after I drive off the lot.

Meanwhile….I am sitting in my new house without buying it. Perfect. Sitting on a pre-occupancy agreement that is costing me $100/day. What am I going to do?

1.) Get BRIDGED. This happened Thursday afternoon, right after the 401k call which slapped me into reality QUICK. E*Trade mortgage broker calls back, sorry you don’t quality for a bridge.

2.) My DC agent looks at me and says WHAT? That is ridiculous we are calling my mortgage guy and he is going to get this DONE.

3.) After moving all day I drag my ass up to local coffee shop and fill out an online application. Get back to my new place and immediately get a call from the new mortgage broker, Matt Gilday. This guy rocks and is totally on it. Gets it signed and done by Tuesday afternoon.

4 .) Meanwhile, the buyers claim they are ready to close Tuesday afternoon...so we push closing on my new place to Wed. Guess what? Of course, paperwork is not ready! BIG SURPRISE! In the end we ended up closing on Wed morning and I bought my new place Wed afternoon.

Future tips....get a lender that can bridge. Get an agent that has a clue. Make sure about week before the close that you have a mortgage from your buyer. DON"T trust your agent.....next time.

10,000 things....go wrong

Why is it so HARD to sell and buy a house? Tonights question is motivated by events that are happening to me personally---unfortunately. So, where are we now?

1.) Today, my buyers mortgage vaporized. Two problems: 1 need rental confirmation (um, couldn't they have checked in on this like 6 weeks ago?) 2 they make too MUCH money for the loan program(don't need to repeat myself do I?) Let me say here: DO NOT USE BANK OF AMERICA. I can not believe the horror of today while everyone and their mother who is involved in this process was pained from 9am to 4pm when the finally surfaced and listed these two problems. I am astounded by their complete disregard to the situation...two people waiting to transact obviously AND their lack of preparation. Can you imagine dealing in the final hour with a mortgage broker who is not responding to you?

2.) My other agent, the one working on the property I was to purchase FAILED to cash my escrow check. She kept saying its no PROBLEM. I have been so so so so busy that I just had to go with it. SO, I get a call from my mortage broker about this....of course bc this is a SIGNED contract right???? Who in the end was fine with it but again...hassel.

3.) The same agent FAILED to convey the proper closing time to the sellers. SO, this afternoon she was fighting with the owner about when she planned to vacate. This is all in vain of course because I can't settle before the buyers on my end finish their transaction.

So....where do we go from here besides to the wine cabinet? Tomorrow (fingers crossed) the movers are going to be here at 9am. And they are going to take my things and put them in the truck. I have no idea if I will have a place to take them....I will be sitting here waiting to hear if the closing on my home has completed so I can purchase the new pad. Great. Movers may be sitting around for hours while we wait and wait and wait. All for about 110 an hour of course. And then at some point I am going to have to make a call about whether I move into storage if the whole thing falls apart.

Grrrrrrrrrrr........

My Mug: Take Two

So my skin is looking and feeling GREAT! Why is this happening????? I have been on Clinque crack for the past two years and need to loose that feeling for good. It seemed like every time I presented myself at the counter there was yet another cream or polish or scrub that I must have to make the whole "system" work for me.

I hate to write this in fear that I will jinx it but here is goes...the new beauty regimen.

1.) Papaya Enzyme Mask
When I was in Maui I had this excellent facial. Afterward I bought this massively over priced small bottle of papaya enzyme. Its powered and I imagine you could purchase it at some health food store or online for much cheaper. In any event....you mix it with plain yogurt (the good stuff not anything filled with corn starch etc you need the enzymes in the yogurt) and slap it on your face once or twice a week for about 10 minutes. Beautiful! It gets things moving if you will and encourages turn over.

2.) Honey
Yes, thats right HONEY. RAW. I also picked this up in Maui and I put it on my face in the shower every morning while I roll through the rest of my routine. Strange. You would think it is sticky but its not. It actually absorbs into your skin with the steam and there is very little to rinse off after you are done with the rest of your shower madness. Plus, it tastes good!

3.) Paula's Choice Super Recovery Antioxidant Oil
This stuff RULES. I put it on my face after I use toner. It seeps in and makes your face feel so smooth and really encourages it not to dry out throughout the day. I put face cream over the top of this and get on with things.

Three small changes and a world of difference. I have finally given up my Clinque habit forever...or at least until this stops working.

My Mug Makes CSI Website

Ha! I had a great laugh today when a friend from graduate school wrote to me and said:

"is this you on the CSI website?" Or someone that really really looks like you?

It appears that me mid sentence has made the front page......check it out I appear after the block slides to the right that says CSI NetSec 07...

http://gocsi.com/