Monday, October 08, 2007

Back in Chicago...

Its funny how the world moves.....I checked into my hotel this afternoon in Chicago. Here on business for a few days...But what is this block--this place?

Its the place where my old boyfriend's father took me to lunch a lifetime ago. I walked out of my hotel and just stared. At the parking structure. And flashed back to that nervous day of eating sushi for the first time and having NO IDEA how to use chopsticks. And feeling totally inadequate and embarrassed and really got the whole feeling of "wow your son is way better than me"

And so 10 years past. I moved to DC and moved on. And then the Chicago boy and I crossed paths about 3 years ago. It was amazing to catch up with him this love of my life or so it seemed that way in the last year of my college days. So we talked. And we emailed. And he told me all about how his family had really loved me back then. And they still asked about me. And if he knew then what he knows now how he would have kept track of me...and trying to make it work. So my sorority sisters were right. He did really love me. Much more than I imagined.

And then we met. Live. In Vegas. Neutral location right? This was my first trip to Vegas (and unfortunately is not my last.) So much going on all around me I found it hard to avoid focusing directly on the person I was there with--intensely. Almost as an escape from the environment. And what did I see? And unsophisticated man. Someone who had become obsessed with money and liked to spend a lot of time trying to impress me with it. Which of course was funny---I living in the land of tech millionaires was so accustom to lavish things buying the things that he considered extravagant...was common place.

And so I went home. And was overwhelmed with how my early adult life had collided -- crashed and burned--with my 30 year old life. How things that seemed to significant at the time were not at all what they seemed. Instead they were the direct result of my low self confidence and a serious inability to see my value.

I ask myself have times changed? Am I still in that place? Or do I see my value clearly now. Do I consider that the person that likes me may not be who I need after all? or do I give out to many chances to impress me with your wit. Do I consider how dating someone that lives 600 miles away might be a difficult option? Is it the right option for me who wants to have someone to share my life with? Or have I accepted the fact that this person is going to be so incredibly difficult to find that this distance is irrelevant?

I am happy. This decade brings questions . I am questioning other people's value inside my life. And trying to determine where my precious time should be spent. And not worrying to much about their needs...focusing more intensely on mine.

I am off to meet with TC for dinner with these thoughts carefully tucked away in my confident mind.

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