Time to say Goodbye

Its over. I gave my notice after 7.5 years at the same company yesterday and today it is settling. In strange ways. I feel happy, more energetic, less stressed. I feel crazed, freaked out, worried about the dog, the travel, the difference that this new life will bring me.

Change. We all need it to stay sharp, focused, and bright. I have thought a lot over the past 5 months about how much the workplace has changed. People I have interviewed with wonder why I have stayed so long. They have challenged me to see beyond my "myopic views." And they have made me realize, slowly that sometimes staying and fighting it out is not the right thing to do.

This process has been long. Six long months of playing with a lot of big guys and realizing that all of them had to offer me the exact same thing that I already have...so where to go instead?

I found myself talking to an old friend over coffee and finding my answer. His new company, a two year old start-up has offered me a sales position. Sales. New, different but perhaps its a better match than I could concoct. I reviewed my list of things I wanted last night:

1. Job where I talk to people.
2. Job where I am not in an office all day long behind a computer.
3. Job where I can work with India.
4. Job where I can help people solve their problems, but don't have to stick around for all of the details.

I got everything accept for number 3. India will wait.

Priceless: Friends

A friend came this weekend. Someone who has known my heart for years and accepted me when I was much dumber.

Exciting visions of the weekend played in my head and landed us in front of a group of three live actors at the Studio Theater in DC. Drama, murder, intrigue the critics explained. They failed to mention one small item: the victim was a child and the offender liked kids in a way we don't like to think about.

Frozen is the reason you go to the theater. Trapped in your seat, wondering how to react, exciting? or is this a cheap thrill? How is this man two steps to the left when he no longer has to wear the mask of a pedaphile? Andrew Long was amazing...and his grace allowed me to deal with the intense discomfort of my chosen outing for my dear friend who has four children.

Mr. Long took us down a trail of tears. We wanted to forgive him, hate him, and just marvel at his capability to look like such a freak. My mind churned and I eagerly awaited the intermission where I would spend my built up forgiveness in the real world.

Michelle's thoughts were so close to mine-I like it but don't know if I should? Should-Would? Why? Lots of running emotions as we gushed during our coke break.

Friends. Priceless. They stay in your camp even when they are tending to small fires elsewhere in their lives. Core feelings and beliefs remain, making common thoughts abound. The single girl and mother of four did have much to laugh about--at least we think we were suppose to laugh. Or was it cry?

Thank you Mr. Long. The Shakespeare Theater has Frozen a gem inside Sonnets for too long.

2 months in...Acceptance is approaching..

"Practice and all is coming" - Sri K. Pattabhi Jois

When can you classify yourself as a Yogi? It feels like the time has arrived.

Over 60 days have past since my formal introduction to yogi in Mexico, courtesy of my dear friend Kim. When I left Mexico I felt amazing and was inspired to bring this newly constructed aura into my every day life. What a difference hitting the matt every morning has made.

I am physically stronger. Neck pains are gone. Hamstring are stretched....at least they are getting stretched. I am not in dying pain when I leave work after a day of "desking".

But all of these things are so subtle when the mental and spiritual side is reviewed. I feel my feet on the floor. It was amazing to be in the kitchen, focusing on a recipe and suddenly be awakened to the feeling of the souls of my feet on the floor. I take deep breaths when I find myself enjoying something .... or hating it so I can breath it in. People seem like open books to me-I feel as if we can immediately get on or their angst/regret/anger/ or other bad vibe is revealed.

Every day I hit my mat and see where it takes me....lately things have been hard. My body is not happy and everyone is trying to figure out why. As I move through the asanas I feel the changes, both good and bad, and realize I am right where I am suppose to be. Here. Now. Driving down the road that is my life.

Yesterday for the first time I found myself able to perform the pada hastasana. In this pose, you place your hands under your feet and straighten your legs. I felt like a full circle as my hamstrings finally released for a moment and allowed me to take the plunge into straightness met by curves.

Tomorrow this pose may continue to elude me and thats ok. Sounds like a yogi to me..Namaste.

A poem for afternoon coffee....

Have to post this poem that made me smile today...

Recently GW was quoted as saying "I am the decider so I get to decide...."


I'm the decider.
I pick and I choose.
I pick among whats.
And choose among whos.
And as I decide
Each particular day
The things I decide on
All turn out that way.

I decided on Freedom
For all of Iraq.
And now that they have it,
I'm not looking back.

I decided on tax cuts
That just help the wealthy.
And Medicare changes
That aren't really healthy.

And parklands and wetlands
Who needs all that stuff?
I decided that none
Would be more than enough!

I decided that schools
All in all are the best
The less that they teach
And more that they test.

I decided those wages
You need to get by
Are much better spent
On some CEO guy.

I decided your Wade
Which was versing your Roe
Is terribly awful
And just has to go.

I decided that levees
Are not really needed.
Now when hurricanes come
They come unimpeded.

That old Constitution?
Well, I have decided
It's "just goddam paper"
It should be derided.

I've decided gay marriage
Is icky and weird.
Above all other things,
It's the one to be feared.

And Cheney and Rummy
And Condi all know
That I'm the Decider -
They tell me it's so.

I'm the Decider
So watch what you say
Or I may decide
To whisk you away.

Or I'll tap your phones.
Your e-mail I'll read.
`cause I'm the Decider -
Like Jesus decreed.

Yes, I'm the Decider
The finest alive
And I'm nuking Iran.
Now ... watch this drive!


Now that I think about it, Dr. Seuss anticipated this administration
pretty well when he wrote Yertle the Turtle...Roddy McCorley

Getting Poked...

Deep Breath...

That is what the "Dr" asks me to do...take a deep breath right before he aims and fires a random assortment of needles into my flesh. Acupuncture. I am getting it 3 times a week....

I was telling a friend about this yesterday and I could hear her squirming on the other end of the phone "please, STOP you are making me sick thinking of someone poking needles into me.."

Aupuncture is something I immediately considered when I ran into my most recent health challenge. Why? because I have many friends who have had remarkable successes with needle medicine.

I have researched it...and determined that no one really knows much about this ancient art, actually no one can agree how long ago it was invented...try it yourself, type in acupuncture. What pops is an assortment of information about the history of acupuncture and its successes or limited success and of course varying history babbles with 2000-4000 years about being the origin date.

acupuncture is much different than I expected. It doesn't "hurt" most of the time. Instead I feel a dull push when he pokes me and sometimes I twist. I immediately fall asleep after I have a few needles plugged in. Deep sleep where I start dreaming and usually have a twitch here and there that wakes me up. What do I dream of? Its strange to admit it, but food. Not eating the food but cooking it. I dreamed of finding a beautiful artichoke and making a grilled cheese sandwich and serving up a beautiful tuna steak.

Today, Dr. Su said "Thinking to much, listen more. Stop Thinking" when I complained profusely about the pain accompanying his poke between my eyes and at the top of my skull. What does this mean...Thinking to much...Listen more? What if I am thinking about what I heard?

Maybe all of this rushes back to the idea of living in the present and feeling the love. Dr. Sue claims people have muscle memory. He says--how are you? Irritated!!! I proclaim. Okay, why? And then I think of all of the things I am irritated about, which are completely ridiculous and unjustified and, and, and....I say I don't know and realize that life is pretty great and that I need to well..... Think less...listen more..

Holding my breath....

Finally back to the real world...one that exists beyond this window that held me softly for a full 10 days of sheer bliss.

Although I learned so much while I was away immersing myself in Ashtanga yoga for 10 days, the one thing that I continue to come back to is breath.

Ashtanga teaches you to watch your breath, to move it, to move with it, to use it, to manipulate it...you get the picture.

BUT, there is just one problem........I hold mine.

Upon reflecting, I have been holding for quite some time. I catch myself not breathing in certain situations, like gaming the blood pressure machine...or trying to be quite so I can hear something...



But these are conscious times, times when I actively decide to do something and by body said, "hey, hold your breath, that will help!

It seems that my breath holding is not limited to these activities... Now that I am home, I catch myself doing it all the time. Driving, sleeping, typing, listening to something I don't like at meetings, reacting to something a person is sharing....thinking..

And so I am working on breathing. NOT just when I roll out my mat, but all day long.

Breathing when I hear something repulsive, something that makes me squirm, angry, irritated. Breathing when I hear that I am loved, adored, smart, admired.
And Breathing at all times inbetween.

I realize that breathing in and out all day long pulls you just a bit closer to the reality of your existence. You breath in the bad and learn to bear it. You breath in the love instead of trying to hold it. You breath in life...and hope that it continues to give you fresh air.

Are you holding your breath? Start thinking about it.....One of my favorite people recently told me that she totally understood this concept...that she feels like launching a big exhale as soon as she leaves our town and returns to a place that used to be home. A big exhale....we didn't talk about the inhale but I imagine that she would agree that it feels great.

Technology "News"?

I have become fascinated lately with the ongoing "news" headlines regarding the newly critizied love triangle between the internet, china, and big tech firms.

Lets start with the tech firms. Here is a recent story: Yahoo implicated in Chinese dissident's jailing

The author appears to be conveying a sense of "shock" here...that we should be surprised that Yahoo turned over information that was requested by the Chinese government. So what we have here is a business, that was sent a formal request for information, to which they replied. Unfortunately, the result of this action shed light on the identify of an individual that has been acting in a "criminal manner" in his resident country.

Why is Yahoo's behavior, the actual action taken by the company any different than what happened here? Spammer Jailed for Stock Scam Its not, yah? The only difference is the reporter chose not to include the details of how Yahoo searched through its logs to determine who this particular criminal was when asked by law enforcement for its records.

I am fascinated with this lens being used by Western media groups. Why not get it out there straight, instead of running round the post, quite literally, making puny accusations about culpability, when really these companies are only doing what they are legally obligated to perform. They would be terrorized by the same groups if they read through the individuals blog postings, in this case, and decided not to hand over the records. How can we ask Yahoo to act in a "God" like fashion? Is this right?

Can we say that U.S. companies should not operate in any country that has policies that do not mirror our own? Why am I not hearing this chant in any other business sector? Like for example, clothing? computers? watches? plastic? steel? Where are the groups that are organizing protests against buying goods made in China?

I am the first one to abhor China and its repressive laws. But, from a philosophical perspective the way to approach this issue is by pressing the delete button on feelings surrounding China's policies and focus only on these tech company accusations. What prejudices are interfering with our inability to juxtapose China profiting gained by making products for the Western world and the rest of the world making money from China's newly employed citizens? We want cheap products from China because we are unwilling to pay for the cost of American labor to make the same items. But, its not okay for American companies to make money off of China's citizens? Why is this "incredule?"

To Many Choices...

I have become an audiophile...Why? I was inspired to after realizing I could read more books this way...maximizing my time by listening at the gym and in the car.

Ironcially the first book I selected is about creating a career path by looking deep into your wants, desire, dreams, and goals. In other words, making the "right" choices. I have begun to wonder how someone who can not seem to stick with a book choice, and therfore becomes an audiophile so she can consume 2, 3, 4 books at once can become qualified to make choices about career steps.

In the "Anti-Career Guide" Rick Jarow stuck me with his discussions about work and the definition of the word in American Christian orgins. He claims, and I totally agree, that Christian values that founded this country belive that if you work, you will be saved...and the harder you work, the better chance. What a remarkable idea...work can actually be fun.

I know a few people that have this experience...and I am sure you do as well. They are the envy of the world...those who choose something they would do after 9-5 if they couldn't do it during the work-day.

The author's point is valid--you should figure out what you love and do it. Then work will become life as life is not work.

With these boundaries established, I still find myself in a quandry for two reasons. First, what do I love to do? Talk to people. Help them. Teach them. Teach myself. Be a mentor. See the big picture. Learn about other cultures. Make a difference. Make the internet easy and safe to use.

How do these answers equate to a job selection? Wow, they end up giving me back lots and lots of choices. Location choices, position choices, field choices. Enless choices. This is similar to the experience I had a whole foods yesterday, when I wanted a green tea to accompany my lunch...and realized they had several different kinds of unsweetened green tea. (why??)

Which leads me to the next book I am reading...The World is Flat. Here I am learning that my choices are unlimited. Although, I already kind of knew that. And that the world is changing at lightening speed in the world of work...making it critical to open our minds to new options...to try out new ideas...to build ideas into products.

Where to from here? Again, choices. I will keep you posted on the coming selections...changes...choices..

Learned Help-less-ness

New term for those unfamiliar....I was until I was enlightened by a brilliant man named Mudge this week. Mudge is a computer geek--so he was using this term to describe our inability to take care of ourselves, our networks really, when we learn of vulnerabilities and think our only solution is to wait for a patch....from the vendor.

Lets skip the whys and whats of this whole discussion cause I am computer-ed out for the week. But I would love to share my thoughts on using this term generally in life. I have thought about this over and over and over again during my last few days in CA and through the experiences of negotiating the trip back. There are many amongst us that are operating in this fashion. The ticket counter at UNITED--prime example. One of the auto-check-in counters is out of paper...and therefore is unable to print out a ticket. What do people do??? They wait and wait and wait and wait for someone to come by and then ask them what should I do? Instead of just taking ACTION and trying a different terminal.

We are so fearful. Fearful of messing something up. This is a great example of fear. I thought to myself WHAT could possibility be the Worst Case Scenario (WCS) here? Are people afraid that they have checked in once...so if they try to us a different computer they will not be able to take the flight? Does this make ANY SENSE?

And here we are: learned help-less-ness. We would RATHER sit on our laurels and wait for someone to help us. Perhaps we decide what our required level of effort should be and then make judgments from here. Should we only be required to spend 2 minutes of thinking time when we attempt to check-in? And so when that time elapses, and things go a-rye...well we freak out and wait for someone to come and cuddle us like a baby.

WE expect people to help us, to do things for us, and to be taken care of. This is the same mentality that gets us into trouble when crime happens around us. "Oh yeah officer, I saw them practicing crazy car maneuvers in front of my house for the past few months, but I didn't report it...I just figured they were having fun."

Yeah! When they robbed the bank around the corner! Or blew up a building!

This is NOT to say I am immune to this behavior...actually I spent a good deal of time thinking about it on my way home and resolving to become my own "personal helper" who works JUST FOR ME!! on my problems as I wander through the next few months. I will keep you posted on awareness of learned help-less-ness and my strategy of implementing a personal helper.

Feel the love...

And put your head down...rest slowly into Child's Pose...and feel the love coming up through the earth surrounding you with healing warmth....

How I wanted to feel the love my Yoga instructor was calling forth yesterday. My favorite pose, the Child's Pose...where you feel so swallowed up by the world was not cutting through the black cloud that has been hovering overhead for the past few weeks. Today is the first day I feel "righted" but still different. The doctors located a lump in my breast a few weeks ago, which they assure me is "not cancerous." This has proven to be another turning point in my life. When I was still unsure what they would say, I came home and thought to myself--if I have cancer what will I wish I did that I have not yet done? What will I look at and say WHY didn't you do that dummy? You wanted to!

These words have been ringing in my head for weeks. Am I happy in my path? Do I like where I live? How does my kitchen feel? Do I need a new pair of jeans? (incidentally the answer here is yes...)

Armed with a few answers I am on the road to a revamp. Three long years of waiting for a chance to look inward has arrived. My ears are open to those around me..Listening to them I mean. I believe people slowly tell you your story as you wander through life and if you pay enough attention...they will tell you when you are falling off track..or right on...or possibly alert you that your track needs a new direction.

This morning a wise man at the coffee shop mentioned that he was "surprised it has taken me such a short time to start thinking of other life pursuits."

I am listening...

MY new tall girl jeans...

After I passed by 5 9 all hell broke loose in terms of finding pants not intended for a flood. I remember the first time I had a pair of jeans that were long enough...they were boys 501 Levis, with a 34 inseam. Heaven.

This problem obviously has not gone away...but after working on a closet clean out for several weekends in a row, I see how desperately I need new clothes.

I now have time to shop and FIND new pants that are long enough (I have been wearing flat shoes way to often over the past two years of graduate school). I went shopping last weekend, Filenes Basement. Tried on 37 (NO, I am not exaggerating) and found one pair that was long enough. Ran to the cash register and purchased them. Next day, headed out to the local outlet stores, specifically targeting Benneton and Saxs. Tried on 10 pairs, no luck.
Math
GAS: probably about 30 miles of driving
TIME: Two weekend days.
Result: One pair of pants

Results of this equation spell out the obvious: I will pay for pants that fit.

Its funny how life just works out. A few days later, I was out to dinner with P and we walked by a lucky jeans store. Went in on a WHIM and wow--they have LONG and EXTRA LONG!!!! WHOOO!!! It was a major jackpot. I almost started crying when I tried some on and they totally fit! AMAZING!

Smoke Free for 10 Days...and continuing to count

I love the FRENCH! Look at this great diagram about all of the BAD things inside cigarettes. Even if you don't know any French you can latch on to the SKULLS!!!

I am going to print this out and put it somewhere...

New Years Resolution? people keep asking...no I resolved to quit smoking after graduate school when I could give myself a chance for success.

Its always funny to quit because I tell people (you know for accountability) and inevitably they respond with --YOU SMOKE? I had no idea. WOW you totally don't fit that profile...you are so healthy, like the healthiest person I know.

These folks are right-I am so damn healthy its insane. Gluten allergy keeps me from eating most American foods that come in a box, or bag for that matter. I have to constantly monitor what I am eating to make sure I am getting way more iron than I need...poor absorption. All of this has been made much easier with myfooddiary.com. LOVE THIS SITE. You can track everything you are eating, including all of the recipes you make which you enter manually ingredient by ingredient and save in your "Frig", and at the end of the day you get a geeky chart telling you all about what you ate....today I got up to 32g of FIBER and 7 g of IRON. WHooo!

ANYWAY, back to the smoking quitting project. Things I am doing:

1.) YOGA--starting a practice at a local studio and going to my gym twice a week.
2.) PILATES-Continuing my practice with the awesome teacher at my gym. Starting private sessions.
3.) CARDIO--Trying to hit the gym twice a week, 30 minute pops to get some cardio in.
4.) MEDITATION--Started meditating a few months ago...its not easy but I am trying to expand my practice.
5.) Stop-IT! Smoking tablets--I bought the whole STOP IT! Smoking system at Whole Foods (LOVE IT!). While these are chalk full of herbs that are suppose to help decrease cravings...they are also prescribed on a tricky regimen that I believe helps more than anything. Its like a small ongoing project all day to remember oh, I just ate a lozenge so I can not eat anything for 10 minutes..or I need to suck on this lozenge, not bite it.

10 days and I continue to count down. I read recently that it takes at least 21 days to incorporate new habits into your lifestyle...I will keep you posted.