NOW.

"Throughout the day you may feel a bit restless and unsettled without really knowing why. Stresses in your life might be churning up repressed resentments from the past that you need to release. It might be good for you to try to discern exactly what these stresses are reminding you of. If you're unable to do this, however, you'll probably still reap the benefits of the release. Stay zen, and just let it happen."

I realize this is just a computer talking to me. Sending me my horoscope every day. But. There are so many days whe its so damn accurate I feel like telling the world to sign up for Astrocenter.com. I believe in these horoscopes--maybe its because they ask you your birth time so I know they are meshing my crabby Cancer with my ascending Virgo personality. Most days I wish I was more Cancer than Virgo. Perhaps that is what it feels like when you are nearing 35, catapulting into your ascending sign.

Today I leave for a big trip. BIG. I am going to Italy with the man I have been dating. The man who seems quite wonderful. Sweet. Kind. Funny. And is making my life so enjoyable. And I sit here with much stress and angst. I have been thinking a lot about my story and how I want to change it. How I want to think about having another man in my life that is someone I can really love and enjoy. How do I consider that my past, that love story that failed, may not have been a love story at all? Sure, it ended in marriage, but was that real love? Did we know each other? Did we really care and respect each other they way that one would hope when you walk down the aisle? NO. We didn't. We were kids. I am not sure that I can describe what we had a real love. The kind of feeling that seems to just build and build over time. And for some reason this makes me very confused. Angry. It makes me think about why I made the moves I did in the past and how I can stop thinking about them and start thinking about NOW.

So this week is going to be an adventure of NOW. Have can I enjoy RIGHT NOW and stop over thinking NOW. And stop comparing NOW to THEN. THEN needs to finally close out and be done with.

A few weeks ago--perhaps about 6 I had one of the worst crying episodes of my life. It was a bad day. Filled with losing a BIG deal at work and just spiraling out of control over what the hell I am doing with my life. Weeks leading up to this event were filled with sleepless nights waking up to blurt out on paper finally all of the things about my marriage that happened--that really happened--and letting them be out there and in the "past."

And then I woke up the next day and everything changed. I took a leap of faith and started dating this new man. I was invited to speak at a conference in India. A new friend turned up. And life shifted in a way that I have been waiting for. Seven years I have been waiting for a shift like this. NOW is not a bad place to be.