Day 88: So This is Why I am Here

I had this strange revelation this evening while on my yoga mat: I came here to heal myself.

This sounds strange right? Who comes to NYC to find their center? To get grounded? To find themselves? This city is a place where you can easily get lost. Fall into ruin. Climb high and fall very hard. Stay out till all hours of the night drinking and dancing until you fall over.

But something about this shift in locations. Something about this city. Something about everything I have experienced since I have arrived has lead me to this thought.

I suppose the details around it will continue to unfold around me as I am awakened to this possibility. But there are so many positives I have already felt and seen that I do believe something has shifted inside my soul over the past 88 days.

I find myself walking down the street with my dog and people looking at me--and instead of caring so much I think yep. This is who I am and I am so damn happy about it.

I see myself on the other side of the table during a date thinking wow--I really will be ok if I never find someone. And that is possible. I may never find someone close to what I am looking for and thats finally ok with me. Am I happy about this idea--this potential? No. But I find myself stretching to fill my own shoes and seeing how happy my life can be if I just try to let go and see what shows up. Finding pleasure in the immediate and stopping the whirlwind of my analytic mind. Offerings seem to abound and I am learning not to over think and instead jump in with these new shoes.

I hear myself telling funny stories. And I realize I am having fun. A lot of fun. In a new way--fun that doesn't have to lead to anything important. Fun with people I may never see again but enjoy learning about new wines with over an evening. Nothing needs to be permanent. Its strange but true.

I find myself at meetings for my industry and realizing wow--these people remember me from last time. Its starting to feel like home here. People are reaching out. Inviting me to lunch to talk about the field and how I should play it.

I see myself finally having a boss. A real BOSS who tells me NO. Who listens and who teaches me new things every single day. A boss who respects me and only wants me to succeed.

And I have this lovely yoga mat. That has guided me through so many years of pain and agony to this new place where it is used so frequently I will need a new one soon. I have a studio. They have Ashtanga 4 times a day. Real teachers that are compassionate and caring. The students are serious but nice. Real. Everything about that studio is real.

These are the good things. And I see more coming my way every day as I open my heart and soul to this new place. As I slowly step out of my shell to see what people have to offer. Its like the sun that has slowly started its assent closer and closer to the side of the building across the street. And this morning it finally popped and landed right inside my bedroom for a full showing of beautiful light.