If someone said...

write a sentence about your life what would you write?

I am thinking about this a lot today as I sit here with a world of options in my palm. What would one say about my life so far? And really more importantly, what would I say? Would I say I have made good choices? Sure. Made Safe choices. Yes. Made choices that seemed like they would be the most FUN? Not so sure.

So. This is the question my mother poised to me this evening when I asked her about choosing between moving to San Fran or New York. (job interviews, possibilties will be broadcasted if they become real) Which one works? Which one is the best opportunity? Which one is......more fun?

One of the biggest struggles this year is facing my life in DC. And realizing it is not working. I am tired of being here. My new places is beautiful. I love the people that live in my building. BUT. I am tired of making friends that leave. Of feeling like everyone I meet is strange (men) or just plain boring (women and the men too. Ok. Maybe the women are also strange.). Point being when do you say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?

I have been approached by a company to work in NYC and have struggled with this idea for the past two weeks. Agonized over what this means for me from a detailed and high level perspective. And really thought about what I want which is to be surrounded by a community of people that are like me. Are those people in NY? I am not sure. And then I thought again about how I have always wanted to live in San Fran. Sometimes I think I bring decisions to my own door. Today during one of my interviews they let me know that a post in San Fran is also available. Would I rather have that job?

At the end of the day it doesn't matter if I get the job or not. Its all about choosing. Instead of going along with things. What is right for me RIGHT now? One of the biggest things I compalin about is being on the road all the time. NYC--no road. My backyard will be my patch. No need to travel to KY for the afternoon. Or Arkansas. And then I think about all of my dear friends in San Fran and the wonderful city and the weather and the bay. But I will travel. All the time. All over the West. Will that really solve my problem--which for those of you just getting up to speed is: I need to develop a world around me in my new home. Very hard to do when you are never home.

I am thinking and trying to find the answers. I want to be able to write my sentence and be happy about my answer.

A New Year of Cheer? Or is that just the wine...

Happy New Year---2008. What will it bring?

I have spent the weekend in a quiet place thinking hard about this and wondering what the answer will be. Vision. Goals. Objectives. Fun. Hmmmm..

To catch you up on things around here:

1.) Chicago boy is long gone. Was just not going to work out with his commitments in Chicago.
2.) Still searching for whats next on the job front
3.) Still adjusting to life in DC.

I think the question for 2008 is what fits? There are so many things right now that don't fit. It feels like an endless challenge to find the right path and to position myself correct to see it instead of taking the wrong fork in the road. Meanwhile things are happening all around me and I pause to consider if any of them will make me a little bit brighter. I wonder why I keep agreeing to see people that really don't make me feel happy, rather they suck my energy out until my limited supply is left.

So 2008 is going to be a well documented adventure. Writing more and speaking what is on my mind.

Back in Chicago...

Its funny how the world moves.....I checked into my hotel this afternoon in Chicago. Here on business for a few days...But what is this block--this place?

Its the place where my old boyfriend's father took me to lunch a lifetime ago. I walked out of my hotel and just stared. At the parking structure. And flashed back to that nervous day of eating sushi for the first time and having NO IDEA how to use chopsticks. And feeling totally inadequate and embarrassed and really got the whole feeling of "wow your son is way better than me"

And so 10 years past. I moved to DC and moved on. And then the Chicago boy and I crossed paths about 3 years ago. It was amazing to catch up with him this love of my life or so it seemed that way in the last year of my college days. So we talked. And we emailed. And he told me all about how his family had really loved me back then. And they still asked about me. And if he knew then what he knows now how he would have kept track of me...and trying to make it work. So my sorority sisters were right. He did really love me. Much more than I imagined.

And then we met. Live. In Vegas. Neutral location right? This was my first trip to Vegas (and unfortunately is not my last.) So much going on all around me I found it hard to avoid focusing directly on the person I was there with--intensely. Almost as an escape from the environment. And what did I see? And unsophisticated man. Someone who had become obsessed with money and liked to spend a lot of time trying to impress me with it. Which of course was funny---I living in the land of tech millionaires was so accustom to lavish things buying the things that he considered extravagant...was common place.

And so I went home. And was overwhelmed with how my early adult life had collided -- crashed and burned--with my 30 year old life. How things that seemed to significant at the time were not at all what they seemed. Instead they were the direct result of my low self confidence and a serious inability to see my value.

I ask myself have times changed? Am I still in that place? Or do I see my value clearly now. Do I consider that the person that likes me may not be who I need after all? or do I give out to many chances to impress me with your wit. Do I consider how dating someone that lives 600 miles away might be a difficult option? Is it the right option for me who wants to have someone to share my life with? Or have I accepted the fact that this person is going to be so incredibly difficult to find that this distance is irrelevant?

I am happy. This decade brings questions . I am questioning other people's value inside my life. And trying to determine where my precious time should be spent. And not worrying to much about their needs...focusing more intensely on mine.

I am off to meet with TC for dinner with these thoughts carefully tucked away in my confident mind.

TC Where are you?

"I think we have used up all of our travel karma" my text message reads.

TC spent 7 hours at the airport yesterday trying to get on earlier flights, running from terminal to terminal and then finally got on the 8:45 which sat on the runway for 45 minutes...I was looking at the flight status page on United and was horrified.

I have used up all of my travel God Karma. But thats ok. I will trade travel karma for TC.

So finally he arrives....and then proceeds to get in a cab that drops him off at the wrong location literally 3 blocks (separated by a park) away. Did I mention that he has a broken toe?

But at 1am in the morning all was well....it was sort of like spending time with someone I have known for 10 years. All of the emails exchanged over the past two weeks offered us a chance to dive deep and wide into our lives. So...two bottles of Zinfindel later and at 530am we ended the first date. Can't wait to see him again this evening...he is much more fantastic than I imagined.