Day 88: So This is Why I am Here

I had this strange revelation this evening while on my yoga mat: I came here to heal myself.

This sounds strange right? Who comes to NYC to find their center? To get grounded? To find themselves? This city is a place where you can easily get lost. Fall into ruin. Climb high and fall very hard. Stay out till all hours of the night drinking and dancing until you fall over.

But something about this shift in locations. Something about this city. Something about everything I have experienced since I have arrived has lead me to this thought.

I suppose the details around it will continue to unfold around me as I am awakened to this possibility. But there are so many positives I have already felt and seen that I do believe something has shifted inside my soul over the past 88 days.

I find myself walking down the street with my dog and people looking at me--and instead of caring so much I think yep. This is who I am and I am so damn happy about it.

I see myself on the other side of the table during a date thinking wow--I really will be ok if I never find someone. And that is possible. I may never find someone close to what I am looking for and thats finally ok with me. Am I happy about this idea--this potential? No. But I find myself stretching to fill my own shoes and seeing how happy my life can be if I just try to let go and see what shows up. Finding pleasure in the immediate and stopping the whirlwind of my analytic mind. Offerings seem to abound and I am learning not to over think and instead jump in with these new shoes.

I hear myself telling funny stories. And I realize I am having fun. A lot of fun. In a new way--fun that doesn't have to lead to anything important. Fun with people I may never see again but enjoy learning about new wines with over an evening. Nothing needs to be permanent. Its strange but true.

I find myself at meetings for my industry and realizing wow--these people remember me from last time. Its starting to feel like home here. People are reaching out. Inviting me to lunch to talk about the field and how I should play it.

I see myself finally having a boss. A real BOSS who tells me NO. Who listens and who teaches me new things every single day. A boss who respects me and only wants me to succeed.

And I have this lovely yoga mat. That has guided me through so many years of pain and agony to this new place where it is used so frequently I will need a new one soon. I have a studio. They have Ashtanga 4 times a day. Real teachers that are compassionate and caring. The students are serious but nice. Real. Everything about that studio is real.

These are the good things. And I see more coming my way every day as I open my heart and soul to this new place. As I slowly step out of my shell to see what people have to offer. Its like the sun that has slowly started its assent closer and closer to the side of the building across the street. And this morning it finally popped and landed right inside my bedroom for a full showing of beautiful light.

Day 26: "I want to get married"

It was time. Time to finally meet up with the race car driver in NYC. He has been a source of strength to me over the last few months. Amazingly has turned out to be the one person in my life that actually seems to understand what I was facing down in DC as a singleton and what I could gain should I choose to make the leap to NYC. He became a sounding board. One who said to me "you will love it here. your personality will fit in like you can not even imagine. you will thrive here. DC is a dead end for your career. you must come, you will not regret it."

And so I came. Hung out for 25 days and arranged a meeting with my ex boyfriend over dinner.

We went to Sapa in the West Village for some dinner.....

I am doing unusual things these days. While I was waiting I decided to order a lychee bellini because well, quite frankly I was just in the mood for a fruity drink....and it was wow. yum.

So he arrives, in typical race car driver fashion, full of serious looks and big smiles. Yes it is possible to have both of these things in one face. And this is one of the few people that I know personally that can pull it off. And so we sit. And we chat about life, being in NYC and where we are......and he announces with all the glee that someone like the race car driver can and says:

Brandi, I am ready to get married.

And then I laugh. And laugh. And LAUGH.

Whats so funny?

YOU--YOU-----want to get married???? What on earth for?

Well. I turned 40 and I decided..... (I am hearing drumroll are you?) that its time to "tee it up"

Oh how I love men. Time to tee it up? Tee it up? You have broken the hearts of how many women and today is the day that you let me know that you are "ready to get married?"

The race car driver was a particular lust of mine. He was quite literally just what the dr ordered at a time when I was in the daily dullllldrums of post divorce and maddening boredom. He was the first person I met that was actually FUN. He pushed me in ways I would not have imagined at the time I man could. Invited me into his world of aggressive behavior and challenges and I ate it up. Champagne poured, we raced cars on the weekends and soaked up the sun on the weekends.

And then he decided it was more important to pay bills instead of celebrating my birthday. And that was the first and the last straw. All in one moment I cut the cord. We went to dinner the next night and I told him---its over.

To which he responded with a power point like chart he created on a napkin. He said "this always happens to me. Women want more and I can't give it. My feelings for you are flat lining (he drew this on an x / y axis for me just in case I didn't follow along) and all the while, your feelings for me are growing (also illustrated on the napkin).

To which I responded---no. don't think you are hearing me exactly. I am saying that we should be done. It was great knowing you. I am sure we will still be friends, but its time for us to stop being together and move one.

And then he went back to the chart and re-explained what I wrote above.

And then I said my piece again.

And this went on for about 5 minutes and finally I said "this relationship is like a piece of lint on the quilt of my life"

And he said "lint?"

And so dinner with the piece of lint was interesting. I believe that he still cares about me but in a way that feels like a really strong friendship. And it feels good. Its strange to be at this point in my life, where I can look at people and realize with utmost clarity that I need them to be part of the picture but not in a romantic way. That I need people to love me as a friend, not a lover to make my life more complete.

Plus, who can turn down an after dinner drink in a beautiful loft in Union Square with some gelato to boot? Perhaps last night I learned that I need to be aware that people change, for the better. They grow up and get clarity on things.

Day 20: Sick in NYC? Call Dr House

And so I got sick. Are you at ALL surprised by this? I move two weeks early, start a new job, and completely change my life and I expect to be just FINE. Yeah no. No. No. No.

My dear friend from San Fran arrived last Friday with a small cold in her pocket. We had the most FAB weekend. Going all kinds of fun places like the Café Carlyle, which is truly a NYC legend hosting the likes of Bobby Short, and the home of Jackie O for many years as well as the Village Vanguard. The music was lush --- as was the vibe. How I love music life in this city. And the appreciation for it...the silence that happens as the lights go down and people are actually LISTENING.

So. My dear friend departed and left her small cold which quickly turned into a large cold complete with laryngitis and full on headaches and other pains for over a week. So it was time, time for me to GO GET A Z-pack. For those of you who are not friend to the Z-pack, I suggest you acquaint yourself with it the next time you have a sickness......it zaps out these horrible bugs in about 2 days.

But wait--thats right I have NO DR. Whoops......so I turn to goggling around and looking for "urgent care" This is of course after I call my health care insurance and they say "the nearest urgent care facility is in NJ" --- like 25 miles away. So I find this guy: Dr. Bolte

I know kind readers that you expect me to do my due diligence when I am going to do something random like this--me the expert googler who found the deed to the house my last boyfriend bought with his ex-wife before I even knew he was married....this was of course AFTER I found the picture featuring him in National Geographic speaking about his son. Oh yeah, thats right I do have children......And that is another story for another time.

In any event, I was sick. And I wanted the Z-pack. So I left my house and headed to see one Dr. Bolte on the East side. Called. Made an appointment at 11am DONE. Charge me 135.00 and I will love you forever just give me the damn z-pack. Perhaps this is my problem--I see drs as a means to an end. I truly do not see them as having "value" to tell me things I don't already know. Just give me the z-pack and I will be all good.

My first indication that things were a little "different" was the doorman. It appeared that I was actually in someone's apartment building. Hmmmm... But this HUGE doorman, probably the biggest one I have seen since I have been in NYC, said oh yeah, 8-H sure, go right up the Dr is in.

Hmmmmm.....

So I enter the apartment which to Dr. Bolte's credit is actually sort of set up like a Dr's office. And he was there with another patient in another room, but came out and greeted me and handed me one of those dr forms. Which I barely filled out bc I was like HEY--I am paying for this...you SO don't need my social security number. ANYWAY.

He calls me back into his office and starts talking. Asking me what my DEAL is.....aka why the hell don't you have a real dr if you have health insurance. BUT, really, he is actually a real dr who does not feel like dealing with the insurance companies and I get it. He then also tells me that BTW he is a medial detective and you know that show House? Well that is really based on his work.

AND once again, my lack of knowledge on pop culture which results in my failure to have any time to watch TV because really folks, I am OUT enjoying life, comes and hits me smack on the head. I have no clue what he is talking about.

Then he listens to my chest and says--wow. Doesn't sound good. And wow--looks like you could have Strep. Probably time for some antibiotic (fingers crossed on the other side of the table at this point "z-pack, z-pack, z-pack) and then he says -- I will write you a script for a Z-pack.

Thank YOU.

But then things get a little weird. Because he proceeds to tell me again about the "House" reference and then he says "well, I am going to be on America's Most Wanted next week." And I am being featured on the news tomorrow with my dog.

People, I know what America's Most Wanted is......quite frankly I spent way too much time while in Graduate school studying forensic science thinking about episodes of America's Most Wanted. So now I am thinking --- here is when I DIE. Here is the part when it all seemed FINE and then I got killed going to a random Urgent Care Dr.

So I ask....cause what the HELL else do you do in this situation????? Why will you be on America's Most Wanted?

And then he tells me: his ex-wife killed her new husband. Point blank with a new gun she bought and was learning how to shoot while he was off flying airplanes for SouthWest Air. Practiced. Asked the guy at the shooting range what bullets work best if you are going to kill someone, and he advised, "hollow" so that is what she ran down to KMart and purchased...and then used on the husband when he came home. And then? Yeah she took off in his BMW to the airport. Left the car there and took off to Brazil.

And so he is still holding the Z-pack prescription. And that is REALLY what I want and I was thinking wow--this is how people get into bad situations...they think well that prescription is very important so I MUST stay here and listen to this story so I can get that...never mind the DANGER.

And so I say --wow, really sorry to hear that. Really sorry. And then it starts....he tells me all about her horrible abusive background and how this was always a problem in their marriage and how well, he managed ok at first but it just couldn't work out. And that really, he thinks the thing that triggered the whole episode was the fact that the new husband locked the guns before he left thinking she might harm herself......

And then he says well, this is really one of my interests---back to the medical investigations---he says this is what Discover Magazine wrote about when they wrote an article on me.

Well “Thanks so Much” I said. “Thanks again for the script and I really have to go”. Although I am not sure why I am thanking…since I am paying…

"I just want to let you know, before you go, if you ever need help, please call me"......

"Ok. I will keep that in mind"

"Because I have saved three of my patients. Three of them! These women come here from places like Idaho and they have no idea what trouble they can get into, so they call me in the middle of the night from a bad neighborhood and have no idea what to do...they end up at some club and all of their friends leave...next thing you know they are in big trouble"

Well, Thanks. I don’t know that I will need a rescue service but thanks.

NYC. Never know what you will find. Or why. Or How.

Day 10: Snow and Smiles

Can't believe I have only been here for 10 days...but I think that means that this place fits. It seems so easy to be here. One of the most amazing surprises is that:

PEOPLE IN NYC ARE HAPPY

Very happy. And really when you think about it, why wouldn't they be? Seriously. This place has everything you could want and people to help you get it at every hour of the day. I am startled with how friendly people in my building are and about the fact that my dog has lipstick on his head from being kissed on the street today after getting pets from a stranger who said: "Elwood, you made my day"

Speaking of Elwood, he wonders why we didn't move here sooner? After a stroll in the park this morning he is quite convinced that we live in the best place on earth. And really who can blame him? No leash required in the early morning in Riverside Park means running with other dogs and jumping in the snow. I shared so many laughs this morning with other dog owners who like me were baffled at their dogs love to roll in the freezing cold snow.

Friday is coming to a close here and I await the arrive of my dear friend from San Fran for the weekend. A long weekend of girl time, libations, live music, and furniture arrangements. Hurray!