NOW.

"Throughout the day you may feel a bit restless and unsettled without really knowing why. Stresses in your life might be churning up repressed resentments from the past that you need to release. It might be good for you to try to discern exactly what these stresses are reminding you of. If you're unable to do this, however, you'll probably still reap the benefits of the release. Stay zen, and just let it happen."

I realize this is just a computer talking to me. Sending me my horoscope every day. But. There are so many days whe its so damn accurate I feel like telling the world to sign up for Astrocenter.com. I believe in these horoscopes--maybe its because they ask you your birth time so I know they are meshing my crabby Cancer with my ascending Virgo personality. Most days I wish I was more Cancer than Virgo. Perhaps that is what it feels like when you are nearing 35, catapulting into your ascending sign.

Today I leave for a big trip. BIG. I am going to Italy with the man I have been dating. The man who seems quite wonderful. Sweet. Kind. Funny. And is making my life so enjoyable. And I sit here with much stress and angst. I have been thinking a lot about my story and how I want to change it. How I want to think about having another man in my life that is someone I can really love and enjoy. How do I consider that my past, that love story that failed, may not have been a love story at all? Sure, it ended in marriage, but was that real love? Did we know each other? Did we really care and respect each other they way that one would hope when you walk down the aisle? NO. We didn't. We were kids. I am not sure that I can describe what we had a real love. The kind of feeling that seems to just build and build over time. And for some reason this makes me very confused. Angry. It makes me think about why I made the moves I did in the past and how I can stop thinking about them and start thinking about NOW.

So this week is going to be an adventure of NOW. Have can I enjoy RIGHT NOW and stop over thinking NOW. And stop comparing NOW to THEN. THEN needs to finally close out and be done with.

A few weeks ago--perhaps about 6 I had one of the worst crying episodes of my life. It was a bad day. Filled with losing a BIG deal at work and just spiraling out of control over what the hell I am doing with my life. Weeks leading up to this event were filled with sleepless nights waking up to blurt out on paper finally all of the things about my marriage that happened--that really happened--and letting them be out there and in the "past."

And then I woke up the next day and everything changed. I took a leap of faith and started dating this new man. I was invited to speak at a conference in India. A new friend turned up. And life shifted in a way that I have been waiting for. Seven years I have been waiting for a shift like this. NOW is not a bad place to be.

Day 94: SERIOUSLY?

I am constantly amazed by the things people spend their time doing.....like all of the energy that goes into things that are negative that could instead be put in a positive place. One example is this insane woman in LA who posed as a 16 yr old male, wooed a neighborhood teenager (female) with love letters through myspace and then......broke it off with her??? And then the teenager hung herself? She was charged today in Federal court.

This just makes me think about how we make life so damn complicated and difficult. I was out last night with a man who:

1.) got married at 18. had 2 kids. divorced his wife and left his ultra-religious upbringing.
2.) moved to NYC. got a job in computer science. went to NYU to get his undergrad.
3.) is getting married to his "friend" who he loves but doesn't want to marry but is going to marry her because she needs a green card. Found out about this topic when he said after several beers and looking at his blackberry, "my lawyer just emailed me my pre-nup"
4.) he then had a girl meet up with us and said to me "oh you are going to get to me blah blah blah" and I said oh is this the girl you are marrying? No!! And don't tell her anything about that she has no idea about her.

Because yeah, its going to be REALLLLLY easy to keep that a secret from future dates right? Sure. Nope. Not a problem at all.

What the fuck?

I meet these people and say to myself--wow. I think my life is tough? Right. Not.

Meanwhile. Mr. Cherry who I met when I first moved here and who I was trying to be friends with until the last time I went out with him and a group he freaked out when a man gave me his card. LITERALLY leaped across the bar and said "why are you doing giving her your card???"

He also totally pissed me off because I started telling him a story earlier in the night and then someone came over and stood by us and I said "I will tell you later" to which he responded "NO. You should tell all of us." and I said "No." And he then STARTED TELLING THE STORY that I had already relayed....

So end game here is this guy is a jackass who has no respect for women. I have been blowing him off big time as he has been sending me txt messages, calling leaving VMs etc for the past 4 week. PAST FOUR WEEKS and will not stop. Best thing? This is what he sends:

"HELLO??????"

or

"You mad at me?"

Enchanting right? I realized this evening that maybe this is a time to just say to someone:

You are an ass.

I never do this because it seems like I am just wasting energy being negative. How do you say to someone you are a jerk? Like really a jerk? Especially after you have already said that? to their face the evening that it happened and it seems like they didn't get it live so why would they get it say in the form of an email or txt message?

The final fabulous thing about Mr Cherry? He is in NYC from Mon-Thursday. So. I hear from him about 11pm on Monday or Tuesday night and then for a few days and then nothing. Because that makes a girl feel good right? Being sent a txt message right around the time you want to go to bed?

In brighter news or maybe freaky news...the sun is out in NYC. And so are the runners. And why why why does everyone here wear short nylon shorts to run in? I seriously do not WANT to be seeing that. Did you ever notice the people you want to see in outfits that are questionable....never wear them?

Day 88: So This is Why I am Here

I had this strange revelation this evening while on my yoga mat: I came here to heal myself.

This sounds strange right? Who comes to NYC to find their center? To get grounded? To find themselves? This city is a place where you can easily get lost. Fall into ruin. Climb high and fall very hard. Stay out till all hours of the night drinking and dancing until you fall over.

But something about this shift in locations. Something about this city. Something about everything I have experienced since I have arrived has lead me to this thought.

I suppose the details around it will continue to unfold around me as I am awakened to this possibility. But there are so many positives I have already felt and seen that I do believe something has shifted inside my soul over the past 88 days.

I find myself walking down the street with my dog and people looking at me--and instead of caring so much I think yep. This is who I am and I am so damn happy about it.

I see myself on the other side of the table during a date thinking wow--I really will be ok if I never find someone. And that is possible. I may never find someone close to what I am looking for and thats finally ok with me. Am I happy about this idea--this potential? No. But I find myself stretching to fill my own shoes and seeing how happy my life can be if I just try to let go and see what shows up. Finding pleasure in the immediate and stopping the whirlwind of my analytic mind. Offerings seem to abound and I am learning not to over think and instead jump in with these new shoes.

I hear myself telling funny stories. And I realize I am having fun. A lot of fun. In a new way--fun that doesn't have to lead to anything important. Fun with people I may never see again but enjoy learning about new wines with over an evening. Nothing needs to be permanent. Its strange but true.

I find myself at meetings for my industry and realizing wow--these people remember me from last time. Its starting to feel like home here. People are reaching out. Inviting me to lunch to talk about the field and how I should play it.

I see myself finally having a boss. A real BOSS who tells me NO. Who listens and who teaches me new things every single day. A boss who respects me and only wants me to succeed.

And I have this lovely yoga mat. That has guided me through so many years of pain and agony to this new place where it is used so frequently I will need a new one soon. I have a studio. They have Ashtanga 4 times a day. Real teachers that are compassionate and caring. The students are serious but nice. Real. Everything about that studio is real.

These are the good things. And I see more coming my way every day as I open my heart and soul to this new place. As I slowly step out of my shell to see what people have to offer. Its like the sun that has slowly started its assent closer and closer to the side of the building across the street. And this morning it finally popped and landed right inside my bedroom for a full showing of beautiful light.

Day 26: "I want to get married"

It was time. Time to finally meet up with the race car driver in NYC. He has been a source of strength to me over the last few months. Amazingly has turned out to be the one person in my life that actually seems to understand what I was facing down in DC as a singleton and what I could gain should I choose to make the leap to NYC. He became a sounding board. One who said to me "you will love it here. your personality will fit in like you can not even imagine. you will thrive here. DC is a dead end for your career. you must come, you will not regret it."

And so I came. Hung out for 25 days and arranged a meeting with my ex boyfriend over dinner.

We went to Sapa in the West Village for some dinner.....

I am doing unusual things these days. While I was waiting I decided to order a lychee bellini because well, quite frankly I was just in the mood for a fruity drink....and it was wow. yum.

So he arrives, in typical race car driver fashion, full of serious looks and big smiles. Yes it is possible to have both of these things in one face. And this is one of the few people that I know personally that can pull it off. And so we sit. And we chat about life, being in NYC and where we are......and he announces with all the glee that someone like the race car driver can and says:

Brandi, I am ready to get married.

And then I laugh. And laugh. And LAUGH.

Whats so funny?

YOU--YOU-----want to get married???? What on earth for?

Well. I turned 40 and I decided..... (I am hearing drumroll are you?) that its time to "tee it up"

Oh how I love men. Time to tee it up? Tee it up? You have broken the hearts of how many women and today is the day that you let me know that you are "ready to get married?"

The race car driver was a particular lust of mine. He was quite literally just what the dr ordered at a time when I was in the daily dullllldrums of post divorce and maddening boredom. He was the first person I met that was actually FUN. He pushed me in ways I would not have imagined at the time I man could. Invited me into his world of aggressive behavior and challenges and I ate it up. Champagne poured, we raced cars on the weekends and soaked up the sun on the weekends.

And then he decided it was more important to pay bills instead of celebrating my birthday. And that was the first and the last straw. All in one moment I cut the cord. We went to dinner the next night and I told him---its over.

To which he responded with a power point like chart he created on a napkin. He said "this always happens to me. Women want more and I can't give it. My feelings for you are flat lining (he drew this on an x / y axis for me just in case I didn't follow along) and all the while, your feelings for me are growing (also illustrated on the napkin).

To which I responded---no. don't think you are hearing me exactly. I am saying that we should be done. It was great knowing you. I am sure we will still be friends, but its time for us to stop being together and move one.

And then he went back to the chart and re-explained what I wrote above.

And then I said my piece again.

And this went on for about 5 minutes and finally I said "this relationship is like a piece of lint on the quilt of my life"

And he said "lint?"

And so dinner with the piece of lint was interesting. I believe that he still cares about me but in a way that feels like a really strong friendship. And it feels good. Its strange to be at this point in my life, where I can look at people and realize with utmost clarity that I need them to be part of the picture but not in a romantic way. That I need people to love me as a friend, not a lover to make my life more complete.

Plus, who can turn down an after dinner drink in a beautiful loft in Union Square with some gelato to boot? Perhaps last night I learned that I need to be aware that people change, for the better. They grow up and get clarity on things.